This poem is a bit abstract, and is fairly bare, but that's on purpose. Interpret it as you will, even if that means you think its meaningless. Also, I tried some of your tips, Levi. Hope they helped.
Alright, stop. Think.
Keep breathing.
Let go, hold on, stop a moment.
Breath.
Now dive in.
Empty Headed, empty space.
No space.
Stop. Wait. Reverse.
Breath.
No space, there is no space.
Can't breath,
Can't move,
No room.
Walls closing in, crushing.
Can't breath.
Hold up, stop. there are walls.
Start climbing.
It hurts. Can't move. can't breath.
Climb.
Broken nails, broken boards,
Tearing through the roof,
Sweat and blood drip from fingertips.
Can't breath.
Open sky, blue sky, and green trees.
Can't breath.
Breeze blows through hair, birds are singing.
Can't breath.
Falling down, open space, empty space.
No space.
Can't breath.
Entering blackness, heartbeat stopping.
A voice, sounding far, yet near.
"Breath."
Keep breathing.
Stop. Think. Breath easy.
Well my first note for today is: You're missing the "e" on "breathe"... A lot, haha.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I really like the sharp, jerking motion of this one. It really gives the sensation of being yanked this way and that as it goes. And it's looking much better with the broken up stanzas and lines. Very nice, I'll have to start posting more of mine or you'll overtake me.